“Language is a treacherous thing, a most unsure vehicle, and it can seldom arrange descriptive words in such a way that will not inflate the facts - - by help of the reader’s imagination.” Mark Twain
I have so many thoughts running through my head, and my heart aches. I have been meditating on events, praying, and going inward to take lessons from this, to make sense of it all and grow from it. My partner had cold feet the day before our wedding day, but it was so much more than that. While communication could have solved all of these problems, because I live with anxiety, I understand that sometimes our emotions can turn a situation into a very distorted view of reality. I need to own my actions that caused him to feel that way, and he needs to take responsibility for better communication. If we had talked about it sooner, this would not have happened. I partially blame myself for my hectic schedule. I have not been available to him, and while he is extremely understanding of the reason for that, I need to do a better job of incorporating balance, even while studying for my MDE so that he doesn’t feel like my last priority. Family is first.
So where do we go from here? I don’t know. We are in unchartered water, so I’m feeling with my heart, but also trying to be logical, which is not always easy when emotions are at play. For now, we are talking, healing, and taking our time figuring that out. One of the hardest things we can do, is put our self in the place of someone that hurt us, to understand their actions. (walk a mile in my shoes). I was gifted with an overabundance of empathy. At times, it can be a curse; however, the reward, if we can, is that we can learn about them, and surprisingly more about ourselves.
The support I have received has been humbling and so appreciated. I have many thank you cards to write after the semester. I am going to wait until I finish the semester so that I can lighten myself of a bit more of the residual pain I'm feeling, and focus on the light. I am surrounded by angels from family, friends to colleagues. I feel as if my parents are watching over me by dropping the most amazing people into my life. I am grateful and I am reminding myself that one bad day/event, does not make a bad life.
Peace, love & light,